Moving forward

So I'm starting to feel a little better about things. Most things.

I've begun the healing process from the break-up. I've emotionally and physically distanced myself from him to the point that I will not talk to him and will force myself not to think about him. Which is good. This is what I needed...need. I have to be strong for myself.

I think it was a moment where I woke up and realized that I'm too good to beg anyone to be with me. I have a lot of good in me, and if someone fails to recognize that, then that's just too bad. I'm not going to waste my time beating my head against a brick wall or crying over someone who just doesn't give a damn or even wait around for someone that might not just turn around. He told me that he was "torn and conflicted" - but not torn or conflicted enough to spend time with me. In fact, the few times he has it's been forced and it was like he couldn't wait for it to end. So in the end, I decided I wouldn't even give him the time of day. I'm not being mean. I'm just being realistic.

Now...I didn't want to waste my time talking about him that much. He just isn't worth it.

I did have the strangest "dream" a few nights ago. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'll try to put down my thoughts after I explain what happened. I was watching a movie when my eyes got a little droopy. So I turned the TV off and turned my back to the set. I knew I was halfway to slumber-land. But I had the strangest feeling. I was lying on my side when it felt as though there were hands holding my arms. I suddenly felt something in the small of my back and my breathing started getting laboured. It was almost as though I couldn't breathe. My body contorted a bit, and then I felt like I had no other choice but to lie on my stomach. I felt an incredible weight crushing down on top of me. There was a heaviness in my legs. I felt like I was choking. I started to pant. My arms were clamped down to my sides. And then suddenly...it all stopped. I opened my eyes and woke up.

I'm not sure what that means. I feel as though maybe my body was remembering something and that my mind didn't quite catch up. Oddly enough, I felt a little wave of peace...a little happy that I may have actually "remembered" something (even though I really didn't).

Maybe something will come over me soon...

I hope.

Choices

I broke down. I finally told him it's over. What else am I supposed to do? I'm fighting a losing battle against an invisible enemy/opponent.

He asked me to wait for him and to give him time. For what...I don't know. He says he doesn't even know. But is it really fair for me to put aside my wants, my desires, my needs and compete with someone else? No.

I've sacrificed everything to be with him. I was willing to sacrifice even more. Because that's what you do for the person you love. Knowing that he can sit there, refuse to hold me, kiss me, make love to me kills me inside. This is the same man who used to tell me that every moment without me was torture. That he couldn't wait to have me in his arms, his lips on mine.

He says he can't make promises. I'm sure he can. He just doesn't want to. He wants to see me and this other person. I told him no. He can't have it both ways. Why? That's not the way I live my life. That's not the way he said he did either. These things just "don't happen", like he said they did. There was a lot at stake. He knew I was coming to be with him. Yet...somehow...he put me on the back-burner...and replaced me. And yet...he says he never intended for any of this to happen. There's no trace of me around. There's no memory that I even existed. Yet night after night, I have to go to bed seeing this other person's face smiling at me...as if to say ha...fuck you. I won.

I told him...you got what you wanted. Both of you. Both of you win. I'm out of the picture. But I can't live like this. Day in and day out of being hurt. In a week, he spent three nights away from me...with him. Yet he says he doesn't want to hurt me and that he is sorry.

I mean everything I say. I say everything I do. Otherwise I don't say or do it.

I've said this to him...and I've continued to say this to him...but I have to write it down so I can give myself peace of mind...and a reminder that I got everything off my chest.

When we met, I was the most important person to you. I was the best thing that happened to you. You used to want to hear about everything...my pain...my success...my happiness. You couldn't live one moment without knowing that I was thinking about you...or wouldn't let a minute go by without me knowing that you loved and were thinking about me. You promised me the world, even though I told you never to make any promises you couldn't keep. You insisted that your promises were sacred and were gold. You introduced me to all your close friends, colleagues, and family. I told you not to unless you were 100% sure that this is what you wanted. You made the ultimate promise, by telling me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me in marriage. I believed you. I broke down and believed everything you had to say to me. Then you changed. You humiliated every ounce of me. You introduced someone else into your head, your heart, and our relationship. I called out to you at every turn, asking, begging you to please wait for me. You lied, saying you would. Then I find out, over the phone, that you have feelings for someone else. You said that it just happened (NOTHING ever just happens), that you didn't expect it, and that you tried to overcome the feelings. How? How did you try to end those feelings? You continued to pursue your little affair. You never once thought about cutting it off with him. You never once said to yourself "I made a commitment to him. I need to work on that." So, I ask you to end it with me, you said you can't because you want time and you want things to go back to the way they were and that whatever happened in my absence was a huge mistake. Shame on me, because I believed you at that point too. I left everything to come down here to be with you and to start the rest of my life. I was even willing to put our relationship on hold while you work on your issues...but with me. You refused to let me in. You made no room in your home for me. I made no demands of you...except that you stop hurting me and end this. You created this situation...these circumstances...yet you, unfairly, ask me to decide. When I ask you what YOU want, you refuse to tell me as if I'm supposed to give you the answer. There never is any easy answer. You have to go with your heart. Yet you keep insisting that you can't make any promises. Yes...yes you can. You just don't want to. I don't know what you're so afraid of. I would never, ever, ever hurt you. I'd hurt myself before I'd ever hurt you. But you've hurt me over the course of several months - almost a full year - why should I put myself in a position where I'm the one who's going to hurt again? I'd rather get out than feel that pain later on. I'm sorry, but I can't live knowing that you chose someone else over me. I'd rather say goodbye now. I asked God to tell me what to do...but I don't get an answer, so I have to listen to my heart. I told you what I want. You don't want to hear my cries. I said to myself "maybe all he needs is to just see me...touch me...kiss me...and then he'll remember why he fell in love with me" but you've become so detached from me...from us...that that makes no difference. I can't control myself or my feelings. Your feelings have already become subdued. I can see it in your eyes, and despite what you say, in your words...and especially, in your actions. Someone else has every right over you. I no longer have any place in your life. I have no right to ask for my rights to your life...or your heart. I love you, but I can't sacrifice my self-respect. I would lay down my life for you. If you needed it, I would give you my heart to keep you alive. I doubt anyone in your life would ever give you that amount of importance. If you asked me to, I'd even cut off my right arm for you. That's how much you mean to me. But you've taken away all my choices. You've left me with nowhere to go. 

Pain

I'm having a really hard time reconciling my feelings right now. I know that there's only one thing I can do in order to end the pain. It's really so unbearable, that I can't face the day. Every night I go to bed, I pray to God that I don't wake up in the morning.

It's not just one thing, it's a combination of everything. I am NOT a bad person, but I can't fathom all the negativity and the shit that I constantly have to face. I don't go out seeking to hurt anyone. I try very hard to be truthful. I try very hard to be loyal to the people that I care about and love deeply. I don't betray anyone.

Yet despite all of this, I always have to face the fact that there is nothing, no one out there that will ever make me feel the same way I try to make them feel. I am selfish to some extent, yet at the same time, I think about how others will feel if I do this or say that. It isn't guilt or conscience that controls it. It's love.

This is all my fault. I can't face the world anymore. I can't deal with all the pain and the hurt that those around me keep hurling my way.

All I ever really wanted was for someone to truly love me. To say those words and to MEAN them. Not take them back at a whim. Not say I love you, but...

I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I don't want anyone to think that they need to do things for me because they have to.

The world would be a much better place. I'm not sure I'm even concerned with the consequences anymore.

Dead end

All you needed to do was be honest with me.

I gave you all of myself because you asked me to.

In return, you promised me the exact same thing.

I never imagined you would ever be so sick and selfish.

I never ever played games with you.

But now you're doing nothing but play with me, my feelings, and my heart.

I was never dishonest with you.

You've done nothing but lie and cheat.

I can't show my face to anyone anymore.

I don't know how you can face yourself, eat, or go to sleep at night.

You took everything away from me.

I want you to feel exactly what I'm feeling right now, but know you never will.

You took away all my choices...except for one.

I have nothing left anymore.

Lonely

I wish I could describe how I'm feeling right now. Problem is...I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I do know that I'm feeling lonely. But there's something else there too. I don't think I've ever felt quite like this before. I feel so detached from the people around me...the people that should be close to me. It's almost as if they're strangers.

Untitled

I feel sad.

I feel hollow.

I feel empty.

Why me?

Every time I think I'm moving one step ahead, it ends up that I'm pushed five steps back.

I do believe in God. I seriously do. But there are times when I want to shake my fists into the air and scream out loud:

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME? WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO KEEP GOING THROUGH ALL THIS? ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU FUCKED ME UP ONCE...TWICE..THREE TIMES? DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FACING SOME TYPE OF FUCKING TEST? WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD GETS WHATEVER IT IS THAT THEY FUCKING WANT - BUT WHEN I GET IT - IT COMES AT A PRICE?

Then I realize how pathetic I sound. That I end up sounding like a whining, sniveling, piece of garbage. Then I realize that I just deserve all of this. Everything that comes my way.

Tests

I've been feeling a big wave of emotions lately. I don't know where it all begins or where it all ends.

I feel like I'm fucking crazy.

Each and every day for me is a struggle. I wake up most mornings feeling as though I never wanted to wake up in the first place.

Slowly, I've started to resort back to some of my old habits. Eating for me seems like a chore. My body aches because I can't put food into my stomach. But the thought of eating repulses me. I peck at food, even though my stomach hurts for more. I remember being like this throughout high school. I'd only eat one meal a day but constantly drink water and other things just to fill myself up. Yesterday, I even almost asked someone for a cigarette. I've been smoke-free for about seven years now. It was something I was so proud of. My biggest accomplishment. And even that almost went up in smoke.

I can't seem to resolve my feelings. I'm now living with a man that I love...and I don't know why because he doesn't love me the way I love him. He's hurt me so much. There's part of me that says that I should just let things go and accept reality. Life isn't a movie or a fairy tale with happy endings. This is life. I need to accept it and get used to it.

For my whole life, I've always had to pass a series of tests. Whether I've passed or failed, I will never know. I do know this. I've always failed at every relationship I have ever had. In some way, I always disappoint the people around me and they end up leaving me.

My family will never truly accept me because of who I am. I can never tell them the things that I feel or the things that I have been through because they could never stomach it. I want to spare them that. But doing so makes me have to sacrifice who I am. My friends...they have their own lives. How can I expect them to drop everything for me? This is why I've been searching my whole life for someone who will only and always be mine. Someone who will comfort me. Someone who will listen to me. Someone who will shelter me. Someone who will never leave me and say I love you no matter what.

I now think it's foolish to have that expectation. He said I need to speak to someone. He said whenever we made love, I would say "no". I don't remember that. It hurts so much inside. I don't know I am anymore.

I was having those thoughts again. It was so hard not to want to do it. But something kept me from doing it again. I was ready. I was going to go somewhere quiet and hopefully just drift away. Why couldn't it have just happened? Wouldn't everyone be better off without someone like me? My family wouldn't have to deal with the burden of my embarrassment of an existence. And he would be able to go on with his life and not have to deal with my mess, my anger, or my hurt.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. He says I should talk to someone. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want to relive things. I don't remember half of what went on, except for little blips. I buried all this. I worked so hard to bury all of this, and here I am again, facing it again.

My body aches. My head hurts. Last night, I felt like there was a weight pressing down on top of me. My legs hurt so much. I used to wake up like that when I was a little kid. My mom would come running into my room when she heard me crying. She spent hours every night comforting me. No one did that for me last night. I felt so alone. I feel so alone.

People say that there's at least one person in this world for you. I don't think there's anyone out there for me. I can think of only a few moments when I was truly happy in my life. I remember holding my niece for the very first time a few hours after she was born. That moment gave me true bliss. I still think of that and it really makes me happy. Then I get scared. Because when I look at my nieces and nephews, I get scared. I love their innocence. I think I was like that at one time. I get scared knowing that there is so much cruelty out there...that I just want to put them into a little box and hide them. The strange thing is that they're not even mine and I feel that way.

I've done a lot in my life. Even thinking about all that, I can't say that I'm truly happy. None of that makes me happy at all. Because I've had to sacrifice things to get to where I am. Every road I turn down...is a test. Hearing people tell me that they can't do this and don't feel that. It's so hard.

I can't be strong anymore. I don't know if I have the ability to do it anymore. I'm tired.

Trust

Dear ____:

There are a lot of things that have been going through my mind. I don't know what it's like for you, but each and every day, I feel as though I hate myself even more.

Three weeks ago, you told me that there was nothing between us anymore. Then you told me that you need more time, to figure out things that are going on through your head. You told me that it was unfair of you to ask me that, but that I'm the most important person in your life. That I am the best thing that's ever happened to you and that you can't imagine your life without me. Maybe that's true. But the fact that you hurt me in this way is really hard to accept.

Three years ago, you were so eager to get to know me. You wanted nothing but to have me in your life. To talk to me every day. To email me and tell me how much you missed me and how empty your life was without me. To hear that someone else has filled that void...so quickly...so easily is a huge betrayal.

You spoke about my relationship with you to other people. To this person. You opened up to everyone but me. It's really hard for me to understand how you could have done this to me. Then you tell me not to blame myself. What am I supposed to do? There was a lot that I didn't say and didn't do, and yes, I blame myself for that all the time. But the fact that you thought about someone else - including yourself - over me is reprehensible. You asked me to marry you. I take that commitment very seriously. I held on to the fact that you meant what you said and you were true to your word. Clearly, that meant nothing to you. That was just a moment of weakness. Just something you said in passing. I didn't want to believe it, but I believe it now.

I'm grateful that this happened. I ask myself what if we were married? What would you have done then? Would you still have let someone into your life, your home - the home that you once wanted to share with me? And most importantly, let him into your heart...when I was the only person that was supposed to have that place?

I went to bed every night wondering just what it was that I did wrong. I cried. I convulsed. I spent my days and nights thinking about you, losing sleep, losing my appetite. I asked you...begged you...to please wait for me. To not give up on me. All this, while you somehow started to develop feelings for someone. How the fuck does that happen? How do you forget the one person you make a commitment to and just cast all that aside? I want to ask you what it was that made him so special that you forgot about me and our relationship. You walked all over my feelings, all over our plans, and our dreams. You stepped on them and walked all over me as if I am nothing but a doormat.

It's not that easy for me to turn myself off. In our conversations, your actions, your attitude seem very cavalier. You said you didn't want drama in your life or mine, yet you continue to create it. You seem so indifferent. I don't even know who you are anymore. And you continue to tell me that you love me. That's probably what hurts the most. Not to mention the fact that you never had the balls to tell me in person, face-to-face. But rather, you told me on the phone. You told me I feel as though our relationship has come to an impasse, as though I had anything to do with it. It feels like you're testing me. It feels as though you're keeping me on a leash...just in case things don't work out on that end.

Let me tell you. I hope they don't. I hope he hurts you and makes you feel like complete and utter shit. And I hope that you come to me and say that you made a huge mistake. I want to tell you that you're not the man I once knew. And that I want nothing to do with you ever again.

Knowing my luck, that will never happen. But I can always hope. Because you need to feel exactly what you put me through. And you need to own up to it. Not because you think you should feel it. But because you've lost something so precious. And something that you will never be able to find ever again.

The big thing that bothers me even more is...despite everything that's happened...I still love you.

Someone for me...?

It takes a lot to build a relationship. Loyalty, love, compassion, sacrifice. But most of all trust. It doesn't matter if it's between family members, friends, co-workers, or life-partners. It goes both ways. For me, it's always been a one-way street.

I've always given a lot to those around me. Sure, I've taken. But for some reason, people keep taking and taking from me, expecting that I continue giving until they're ready to leave me. They cast me aside, almost as though our relationship never really existed. And they expect me to be happy with that and just accept it. Sometimes I am. What can you do when there's nothing left? Why fight a losing battle and keep batting your head against a wall?

My first boyfriend was about 15 years older than me. We dated for more than a year. He refused to commit to me because I wasn't "emotionally ready". So I broke down. Then it was because I lived at home. So I moved out. But he never spent any time with me in my apartment. He ended up living with someone else. Then he broke up with me because I was too young for him. He wrote it in a letter that he mailed to me.

I had a relationship with a man that I lived with for three years (we were together for almost five though). He was "so in love with" me. We moved in together. And shortly after that, I found out he was cheating on me. I always turned the other way, thinking it was my fault. Sure, we had sex. But it was just sex. It got to a point that he'd turn me over during the night and fuck me. I never felt a thing. We never really fought. I was hanging on to our relationship. Because that's what people do. He never thought about me, my feelings, or about what our mutual commitment meant to either of us (clearly it meant nothing to him). I've seen him a few times over the last ten years. We slept together twice. I never felt a thing...except shame.

One of my best friends in high school moved in with me when I went back to college. She refused to get a job. She leeched off me. She even stole my car. I was in school, balancing 20 hours a week at work to make ends meet for myself. Then she had the audacity to bad mouth me to other people about how selfish I was. Sure. Selfish because I lent you money and you never bothered to pay me back. Selfish because I asked that she pick up after herself. Selfish because I asked that she take care of her cats who started begging me for food. I finally had enough. She went away and didn't bother to tell me where she went or for how long. So I moved out. All I did was leave her a note and shoved the key under the door.

I think my problems with relationships might stem from what happened to me. I don't know if it did. But someone might think so. I trusted someone so much and he stole so much from me. My ability to (sometimes) think rationally. My ability to love myself. My ability to walk away from horribly abusive relationships. My ability to want things for myself and not feel guilty.

I'm now in a situation where my trust is being abused again. A man who can very simply turn his feelings off for a few days a week. And then tell me with a straight face that he loves me and that he's sad that he continues to hurt me. So why shouldn't I wonder or question every fucking word he said to me? Was it a way to bait me? And then dangle a carrot in front of my face? How do you love someone for three years, plan a life together, and then pull the rug out from under the other person and say I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. To me, that's the ultimate betrayal. I feel guilty and bad asking for my place in his life. He gave me that right. And now he's denying it. Because of another person. Every time, it's been because I'm not good enough. My sacrifices, my love...none of that are good enough.

But then I realize. Are you crazy? I've worked so hard to get to where I am today (even with the crazies going on in my head). I'm not the strongest person in the world. I'm far from perfect. But I know that there is a lot of good in me, even if there's been a lot of bad in my life.

Somewhere out there...there's someone for me. He'll want nothing but to be with me. And I'll give him the same in return. The whole world is my oyster. My prince will come.

A new chapter

So there's been a lot that's happened since I last wrote. I just can't believe it's only been about eight weeks. It feels like a lot more.

My partner, the man I believed was going to be with me for the rest of my life, told me that he was conflicted. Conflicted because he developed feelings for someone else. All the while, telling me that he never stopped loving me. It hurt. It still does. Not only because I feel like he deceived me, but because I take vows of love and vows of loyalty very seriously. But was I surprised? Through all the hurt...not really. It's just one in another long line of people who take, take, take, and then when it's time for them to really deliver, shut down. I'm at work while I'm writing this, and feel a little off. I feel as though I'm about to burst into tears. We have communicated. I've told him everything I've been feeling. I've yelled, accused, and cried. But most importantly, I opened up. Something I've been wanting to do. Because that's what you do when you love someone.

You see, we've never really shared the same space for more than a week at a time, and that's months apart. We've been (were...however you want to put it) together for three years. The relationship's been long distance. The best part of that is that we were forced to get to know each other. We actually talked. We talked about things that were important to us - dreams, past relationships, family, careers, our future. Then we talked about us - how we felt about each other, what we wanted from each other, and how we were going to get there. I love him so much. I'm not sure he really knows that. But the one thing we really didn't share was physical intimacy. I know I've said that I'm a very sexual person, but when I'm in a relationship, I freeze up. In the back of my head, I'm telling myself  he's going to know what happened to you and he's gonna leave you like everyone else. I resigned myself to tell him. He deserved to know. When he does, he won't know what to do with you. Why should he suffer for something that happened to me? I wanted to enjoy sex with him. But I couldn't because I had this black cloud looming over me...and it slowly started to cast its shadow over the two of us. I hated him feeling as though it was him. It never was.

He finally broke down and told me that part of the reason was because our sex life was so sparse. You see, the reason I never told him was because I couldn't fathom telling him during our two or three days...our special time that we spent together. I never wanted to tell him over the phone - because that would be taking the chicken way out. I certainly never wanted him to think I was using this as a crutch, as a way to keep him in my life and not leave me. I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to be with me. Because we had built up such a solid foundation in our relationship. I wanted to tell him when we were together not on the phone, not just for a few days, but for a lifetime.

But I did. I finally told him. It was such an emotionally heated conversation that I let it out. I was wailing. I couldn't control myself. I wanted him to comfort me. I really needed him with me. I wanted him to hold me, and say no matter what you went through, I will always love you and be by  your side. I am so sorry that happened to you. But I can't remember what he said. I know he said I should talk to someone and get help. It hurt that he didn't say talk to me about everything. I want to know. Let me help you. I love and care about you so much that I'll never leave you, regardless of what you say, think, or feel. But he didn't. And so, now he knows.

So how do I feel about this? Even though, at first, I felt as though I made a horribly big mistake by telling him, and because there's a slim chance that we'll be able to move on together as a couple, I feel like I did the right thing. I feel much lighter.

Getting there

I finally contacted him. The one man I think that can answer a few questions. The one man I feel just a little weird about. I had his phone number and email address. But being the chicken that I am, I decided to email him instead of call. To my surprise, he responded within minutes. He didn't even ask me how I found him (and I didn't offer that information).

His first few emails came quickly. A few of them were even cryptic, almost like he wasn't surprised at all that I initiated contact. When I said that I needed to ask him questions about my past, he suggested meeting and talking about those times. Perhaps he didn't believe I'd take him up on the offer, because when I told him I could meet him, he backed off. He said he found it very strange that I would want to meet him. That his memory isn't what it used to be. That his memory of me wasn't very significant. But that if I felt it was necessary, he'd oblige. After sending my response thanking him, saying it would mean a lot to me, nothing. I received absolutely no reply.

That shouldn't have surprised me. Everywhere I turn for answers, some roadblock always comes up.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I'm tired of it.

But then I think...am I not tired of living in the dark?

Fake

I'm a complete and utter fake. I walk through my life as though I'm someone completely different. I pretend to be happy. I pretend to be normal. Deep down inside, I know I'm not. Just when things get really good, something inside me wants to sabotage everything. Like today.

I woke up today in such a funk. I was so upset at the world. I was so upset at me. Everything around me just made me want to close up inside myself. Every person I saw made me cringe. Everyone that spoke to me made me want to cry. I felt so alone among all those people today that I just wanted to run away screaming. Speaking hurt. Smiling felt like it was painful. Thinking was a chore. I felt so tired. I hate those questions. "What's wrong?"..."Are you okay?"..."Everything okay?". Pfft.

Then I get so angry with myself. I can't believe that I let myself be like this. No one is supposed to know that something is wrong with me. Fuck.

Maybe tomorrow

I've been sitting here, staring at this phone number. I keep telling myself to call. Then I end up promising myself I'll do it tomorrow.

I've waited years to find it. To have the ability to make that call. And now...I can't.

I've never been afraid to do anything like this. I'm actually quite gutsy. But now that it has to do with me..with something so personal, I guess I'm chickening out. There's some fear inside that maybe he won't remember me. Maybe he won't be able to answer any of my questions. I've even planned to be someone else when I call so I don't alarm him. Maybe tomorrow.

Regrets

I didn't realize that it's been this long since I last wrote here. I honestly don't know why. I promised myself I would do this regularly, as a form of therapy, and as a way to reach out to whomever may be reading (though I'm inclined to believe that I'm the only one that's reading this).

Several things have happened in the last few months.

I had that dream again. I remember it like it was something that happened in my waking life. I remember tossing and turning, having a lot of difficulty sleeping, I had a rough week and maybe that's why. Maybe it's because there were a few things weighing down on me from the previous days. After a few restless hours, I think I finally fell asleep. At some point, it was like my legs completely fell asleep. Not that "pins-and-needles" feeling, but a numbness, almost as though my legs were cut off...that I had no legs. As the waking me was asleep with his eyes closed, the dreaming me was fully awake, ready to expect the worst. Then everything went dark. I started panting. My throat went dry. Then I felt a weight press down on me so hard, I couldn't breathe. In my head, I could hear my voice. Well, not my voice now. But my voice when I was a little kid. I tried to scream out for my mother. My throat was so hoarse, so dry, nothing came out. I felt myself sweating, trying to push whatever the weight was away from me. "Maaaaa! Maaaaa!" I tried to scream. It felt like hours. My legs were frozen. My chest felt heavy. I woke up lying in a pool of sweat. My head was soaking wet. My shirt was drenched. I'm not sure if I was just screaming in my dream, or if I was screaming in real life, or both. I don't even know if both the real me or dreaming me couldn't because of the parched throat.

I don't know what that all means. I don't know what that weight was. Should I be worried?

I found a phone number of someone that might have some answers. I've had it for a week or so. I'm afraid of calling. I'm not sure what I would say. I've practiced in my head what I think I'd like to say. But then when I think of actually dialing the number, I  get really scared. Will I actually be able to go through with it? What if I don't get the answers I need or am looking for?

I watched a show the other day where a survivor talked about what happened to them. A fictional story. No strands of truth in it. And the person listening...showing signs of empathy and compassion before leaning and hugging the victim. "I'm so sorry that happened to you." What powerful words. No one's ever said that to me. I wish I could take back all my disclosures. I never regret anything. That's the only thing I ever regret in my life. Telling people. And no one ever feeling like they were sorry.