There are a lot of things that have been going through my mind. I don't know what it's like for you, but each and every day, I feel as though I hate myself even more.
Three weeks ago, you told me that there was nothing between us anymore. Then you told me that you need more time, to figure out things that are going on through your head. You told me that it was unfair of you to ask me that, but that I'm the most important person in your life. That I am the best thing that's ever happened to you and that you can't imagine your life without me. Maybe that's true. But the fact that you hurt me in this way is really hard to accept.
Three years ago, you were so eager to get to know me. You wanted nothing but to have me in your life. To talk to me every day. To email me and tell me how much you missed me and how empty your life was without me. To hear that someone else has filled that void...so quickly...so easily is a huge betrayal.
You spoke about my relationship with you to other people. To this person. You opened up to everyone but me. It's really hard for me to understand how you could have done this to me. Then you tell me not to blame myself. What am I supposed to do? There was a lot that I didn't say and didn't do, and yes, I blame myself for that all the time. But the fact that you thought about someone else - including yourself - over me is reprehensible. You asked me to marry you. I take that commitment very seriously. I held on to the fact that you meant what you said and you were true to your word. Clearly, that meant nothing to you. That was just a moment of weakness. Just something you said in passing. I didn't want to believe it, but I believe it now.
I'm grateful that this happened. I ask myself what if we were married? What would you have done then? Would you still have let someone into your life, your home - the home that you once wanted to share with me? And most importantly, let him into your heart...when I was the only person that was supposed to have that place?
I went to bed every night wondering just what it was that I did wrong. I cried. I convulsed. I spent my days and nights thinking about you, losing sleep, losing my appetite. I asked you...begged you...to please wait for me. To not give up on me. All this, while you somehow started to develop feelings for someone. How the fuck does that happen? How do you forget the one person you make a commitment to and just cast all that aside? I want to ask you what it was that made him so special that you forgot about me and our relationship. You walked all over my feelings, all over our plans, and our dreams. You stepped on them and walked all over me as if I am nothing but a doormat.
It's not that easy for me to turn myself off. In our conversations, your actions, your attitude seem very cavalier. You said you didn't want drama in your life or mine, yet you continue to create it. You seem so indifferent. I don't even know who you are anymore. And you continue to tell me that you love me. That's probably what hurts the most. Not to mention the fact that you never had the balls to tell me in person, face-to-face. But rather, you told me on the phone. You told me I feel as though our relationship has come to an impasse, as though I had anything to do with it. It feels like you're testing me. It feels as though you're keeping me on a leash...just in case things don't work out on that end.
Let me tell you. I hope they don't. I hope he hurts you and makes you feel like complete and utter shit. And I hope that you come to me and say that you made a huge mistake. I want to tell you that you're not the man I once knew. And that I want nothing to do with you ever again.
Knowing my luck, that will never happen. But I can always hope. Because you need to feel exactly what you put me through. And you need to own up to it. Not because you think you should feel it. But because you've lost something so precious. And something that you will never be able to find ever again.
The big thing that bothers me even more is...despite everything that's happened...I still love you.