I'm having a really hard time reconciling my feelings right now. I know that there's only one thing I can do in order to end the pain. It's really so unbearable, that I can't face the day. Every night I go to bed, I pray to God that I don't wake up in the morning.
It's not just one thing, it's a combination of everything. I am NOT a bad person, but I can't fathom all the negativity and the shit that I constantly have to face. I don't go out seeking to hurt anyone. I try very hard to be truthful. I try very hard to be loyal to the people that I care about and love deeply. I don't betray anyone.
Yet despite all of this, I always have to face the fact that there is nothing, no one out there that will ever make me feel the same way I try to make them feel. I am selfish to some extent, yet at the same time, I think about how others will feel if I do this or say that. It isn't guilt or conscience that controls it. It's love.
This is all my fault. I can't face the world anymore. I can't deal with all the pain and the hurt that those around me keep hurling my way.
All I ever really wanted was for someone to truly love me. To say those words and to MEAN them. Not take them back at a whim. Not say I love you, but...
I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I don't want anyone to think that they need to do things for me because they have to.
The world would be a much better place. I'm not sure I'm even concerned with the consequences anymore.