Monday, 22 July 2013

Someone for me...?

It takes a lot to build a relationship. Loyalty, love, compassion, sacrifice. But most of all trust. It doesn't matter if it's between family members, friends, co-workers, or life-partners. It goes both ways. For me, it's always been a one-way street.

I've always given a lot to those around me. Sure, I've taken. But for some reason, people keep taking and taking from me, expecting that I continue giving until they're ready to leave me. They cast me aside, almost as though our relationship never really existed. And they expect me to be happy with that and just accept it. Sometimes I am. What can you do when there's nothing left? Why fight a losing battle and keep batting your head against a wall?

My first boyfriend was about 15 years older than me. We dated for more than a year. He refused to commit to me because I wasn't "emotionally ready". So I broke down. Then it was because I lived at home. So I moved out. But he never spent any time with me in my apartment. He ended up living with someone else. Then he broke up with me because I was too young for him. He wrote it in a letter that he mailed to me.

I had a relationship with a man that I lived with for three years (we were together for almost five though). He was "so in love with" me. We moved in together. And shortly after that, I found out he was cheating on me. I always turned the other way, thinking it was my fault. Sure, we had sex. But it was just sex. It got to a point that he'd turn me over during the night and fuck me. I never felt a thing. We never really fought. I was hanging on to our relationship. Because that's what people do. He never thought about me, my feelings, or about what our mutual commitment meant to either of us (clearly it meant nothing to him). I've seen him a few times over the last ten years. We slept together twice. I never felt a thing...except shame.

One of my best friends in high school moved in with me when I went back to college. She refused to get a job. She leeched off me. She even stole my car. I was in school, balancing 20 hours a week at work to make ends meet for myself. Then she had the audacity to bad mouth me to other people about how selfish I was. Sure. Selfish because I lent you money and you never bothered to pay me back. Selfish because I asked that she pick up after herself. Selfish because I asked that she take care of her cats who started begging me for food. I finally had enough. She went away and didn't bother to tell me where she went or for how long. So I moved out. All I did was leave her a note and shoved the key under the door.

I think my problems with relationships might stem from what happened to me. I don't know if it did. But someone might think so. I trusted someone so much and he stole so much from me. My ability to (sometimes) think rationally. My ability to love myself. My ability to walk away from horribly abusive relationships. My ability to want things for myself and not feel guilty.

I'm now in a situation where my trust is being abused again. A man who can very simply turn his feelings off for a few days a week. And then tell me with a straight face that he loves me and that he's sad that he continues to hurt me. So why shouldn't I wonder or question every fucking word he said to me? Was it a way to bait me? And then dangle a carrot in front of my face? How do you love someone for three years, plan a life together, and then pull the rug out from under the other person and say I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. To me, that's the ultimate betrayal. I feel guilty and bad asking for my place in his life. He gave me that right. And now he's denying it. Because of another person. Every time, it's been because I'm not good enough. My sacrifices, my love...none of that are good enough.

But then I realize. Are you crazy? I've worked so hard to get to where I am today (even with the crazies going on in my head). I'm not the strongest person in the world. I'm far from perfect. But I know that there is a lot of good in me, even if there's been a lot of bad in my life.

Somewhere out there...there's someone for me. He'll want nothing but to be with me. And I'll give him the same in return. The whole world is my oyster. My prince will come.

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