Sunday, 21 July 2013

A new chapter

So there's been a lot that's happened since I last wrote. I just can't believe it's only been about eight weeks. It feels like a lot more.

My partner, the man I believed was going to be with me for the rest of my life, told me that he was conflicted. Conflicted because he developed feelings for someone else. All the while, telling me that he never stopped loving me. It hurt. It still does. Not only because I feel like he deceived me, but because I take vows of love and vows of loyalty very seriously. But was I surprised? Through all the hurt...not really. It's just one in another long line of people who take, take, take, and then when it's time for them to really deliver, shut down. I'm at work while I'm writing this, and feel a little off. I feel as though I'm about to burst into tears. We have communicated. I've told him everything I've been feeling. I've yelled, accused, and cried. But most importantly, I opened up. Something I've been wanting to do. Because that's what you do when you love someone.

You see, we've never really shared the same space for more than a week at a time, and that's months apart. We've been (were...however you want to put it) together for three years. The relationship's been long distance. The best part of that is that we were forced to get to know each other. We actually talked. We talked about things that were important to us - dreams, past relationships, family, careers, our future. Then we talked about us - how we felt about each other, what we wanted from each other, and how we were going to get there. I love him so much. I'm not sure he really knows that. But the one thing we really didn't share was physical intimacy. I know I've said that I'm a very sexual person, but when I'm in a relationship, I freeze up. In the back of my head, I'm telling myself  he's going to know what happened to you and he's gonna leave you like everyone else. I resigned myself to tell him. He deserved to know. When he does, he won't know what to do with you. Why should he suffer for something that happened to me? I wanted to enjoy sex with him. But I couldn't because I had this black cloud looming over me...and it slowly started to cast its shadow over the two of us. I hated him feeling as though it was him. It never was.

He finally broke down and told me that part of the reason was because our sex life was so sparse. You see, the reason I never told him was because I couldn't fathom telling him during our two or three days...our special time that we spent together. I never wanted to tell him over the phone - because that would be taking the chicken way out. I certainly never wanted him to think I was using this as a crutch, as a way to keep him in my life and not leave me. I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to be with me. Because we had built up such a solid foundation in our relationship. I wanted to tell him when we were together not on the phone, not just for a few days, but for a lifetime.

But I did. I finally told him. It was such an emotionally heated conversation that I let it out. I was wailing. I couldn't control myself. I wanted him to comfort me. I really needed him with me. I wanted him to hold me, and say no matter what you went through, I will always love you and be by  your side. I am so sorry that happened to you. But I can't remember what he said. I know he said I should talk to someone and get help. It hurt that he didn't say talk to me about everything. I want to know. Let me help you. I love and care about you so much that I'll never leave you, regardless of what you say, think, or feel. But he didn't. And so, now he knows.

So how do I feel about this? Even though, at first, I felt as though I made a horribly big mistake by telling him, and because there's a slim chance that we'll be able to move on together as a couple, I feel like I did the right thing. I feel much lighter.

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