Tests

I've been feeling a big wave of emotions lately. I don't know where it all begins or where it all ends.

I feel like I'm fucking crazy.

Each and every day for me is a struggle. I wake up most mornings feeling as though I never wanted to wake up in the first place.

Slowly, I've started to resort back to some of my old habits. Eating for me seems like a chore. My body aches because I can't put food into my stomach. But the thought of eating repulses me. I peck at food, even though my stomach hurts for more. I remember being like this throughout high school. I'd only eat one meal a day but constantly drink water and other things just to fill myself up. Yesterday, I even almost asked someone for a cigarette. I've been smoke-free for about seven years now. It was something I was so proud of. My biggest accomplishment. And even that almost went up in smoke.

I can't seem to resolve my feelings. I'm now living with a man that I love...and I don't know why because he doesn't love me the way I love him. He's hurt me so much. There's part of me that says that I should just let things go and accept reality. Life isn't a movie or a fairy tale with happy endings. This is life. I need to accept it and get used to it.

For my whole life, I've always had to pass a series of tests. Whether I've passed or failed, I will never know. I do know this. I've always failed at every relationship I have ever had. In some way, I always disappoint the people around me and they end up leaving me.

My family will never truly accept me because of who I am. I can never tell them the things that I feel or the things that I have been through because they could never stomach it. I want to spare them that. But doing so makes me have to sacrifice who I am. My friends...they have their own lives. How can I expect them to drop everything for me? This is why I've been searching my whole life for someone who will only and always be mine. Someone who will comfort me. Someone who will listen to me. Someone who will shelter me. Someone who will never leave me and say I love you no matter what.

I now think it's foolish to have that expectation. He said I need to speak to someone. He said whenever we made love, I would say "no". I don't remember that. It hurts so much inside. I don't know I am anymore.

I was having those thoughts again. It was so hard not to want to do it. But something kept me from doing it again. I was ready. I was going to go somewhere quiet and hopefully just drift away. Why couldn't it have just happened? Wouldn't everyone be better off without someone like me? My family wouldn't have to deal with the burden of my embarrassment of an existence. And he would be able to go on with his life and not have to deal with my mess, my anger, or my hurt.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. He says I should talk to someone. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want to relive things. I don't remember half of what went on, except for little blips. I buried all this. I worked so hard to bury all of this, and here I am again, facing it again.

My body aches. My head hurts. Last night, I felt like there was a weight pressing down on top of me. My legs hurt so much. I used to wake up like that when I was a little kid. My mom would come running into my room when she heard me crying. She spent hours every night comforting me. No one did that for me last night. I felt so alone. I feel so alone.

People say that there's at least one person in this world for you. I don't think there's anyone out there for me. I can think of only a few moments when I was truly happy in my life. I remember holding my niece for the very first time a few hours after she was born. That moment gave me true bliss. I still think of that and it really makes me happy. Then I get scared. Because when I look at my nieces and nephews, I get scared. I love their innocence. I think I was like that at one time. I get scared knowing that there is so much cruelty out there...that I just want to put them into a little box and hide them. The strange thing is that they're not even mine and I feel that way.

I've done a lot in my life. Even thinking about all that, I can't say that I'm truly happy. None of that makes me happy at all. Because I've had to sacrifice things to get to where I am. Every road I turn down...is a test. Hearing people tell me that they can't do this and don't feel that. It's so hard.

I can't be strong anymore. I don't know if I have the ability to do it anymore. I'm tired.