Identification

I'm sure I made it pretty clear that I'm gay. Sometimes I wonder why that is. Sure, it's likely natural, but I'm sure that getting all messed up has some hand in it too. Though it's a little hard to imagine why I'd swing that way, since it was that way that got me into this mess. I know that I've always had this thing for men.

When I was a kid, I found men very alluring, very attractive. There was a neighbour across the street. I can't remember how old he was, but I'm guessing he was older than 20. He would sit on the front porch, drinking (beer). There's one clear picture in my head of him. He had a very lean body, very beautiful. He sat, on this particularly hot day, in the shadows on his porch, in a chair, with his bare feet up on the railing. He had short, thick, brown, curly hair. A trail of curly brown hair on his pecs, trailing down to his stomach. I was so in awe of this man, wearing those red shorts with the white stripes (you know, the ones men wore in the 80s). He kept smiling, as he sipped his beer. There was a glint coming off his body, apparently from the sweat. I stared at him. I'm not sure if he knew I was watching. Was it him?

There was a man at the grocery store my parents went to that completely entranced me. He had such a beautiful smile. He was tall, muscular, wore t-shirts that were way too tight for him, and this thick mop of dirty blond hair. He made me actually want to grocery shop with my parents. Was it him?

My grade six teacher was dubbed "Chuck Norris", because he bore a slight resemblance to him. I don't know what it was about him (I didn't even know who Chuck Norris was), but it was like I instantly fell in love with him. I spent as much time with him as possible. I would go to school early, 90 minutes early, just so I could sit in the portable with him alone (as I played video games). I would also find ways to keep myself late after school, just to spend time with him. Was it him? He's one of the only ones I have a name for, and I've tried to find him. I have a lot of questions for him. Even if it wasn't him...maybe he knew who.

I've basically gone through a list of people. I know it was a man. I smell a man's smell every now and then. I feel a rough man's hands. I hear a man's voice. I've gone through my family, and can conclusively say it wasn't anyone in my family. My brother's six years older than me, and he'd never spend any time with me at all. My father was basically an absentee father, who worked a lot (just like my mother). The only time I was ever alone with him was if I was home for lunch, and he'd always take me out. My grandpa lived with us before my grandmother came to Canada. But even he worked. And when they found their own apartment, I'd see them with my parents every weekend. My uncle didn't live in the same city, and we only saw him once a year, and even then, him and his family stayed with my grandparents.

So who the hell was it? Sometimes I think it was more than one man. But who? How do I find out? I really want to know.