Diseased

One of the things this "condition" (I call this that because it's kind of like having a disease. It's like there's a tumour that develops somewhere inside your body. After some time, that tumour starts to get bigger. Then it spreads. It creates a cancer, and eventually pollutes everything around you) does, is that it makes you a bit crazy. But not in a good way. It can't be good when you go out looking for someone to rape you. It hasn't been easy admitting that.

Just like I knowingly put myself into relationships that I knew were bad for me, I also put myself into some pretty dangerous situations. But I never really understood why. Why did I go out walking at night (sometimes sneaking out of the house late at night) in dark areas that were sparsely populated?

I started smoking when I was 14, and that became an easy out. I'm going for a quick walk, I'd tell everyone. But I'd be gone for hours. I'd walk in areas that I'd think had prowling men, ready to jump me. The thought of that happening, for whatever reason, got my blood racing. I'd walk through unlit parks, down deserted paths, or cross through empty parking lots, hoping someone would attack me. If I heard a sound, I'd jump, and even though the voice in the back of my head cried foul, I'd still push through. But it wasn't all I wanted. Secretly, I wanted this man to eventually kill me too. Not only did I want him to just fuck me against my will, I wanted him to wrap his hands around my neck and drain the life out of me.

But that never happened. No matter how hard I tried to find someone to do that to me, it never happened. Gladly. But I have to wonder. Why the hell would I (or anyone for that matter) ever want that to happen to me? I never believed I was any good for anyone in this world. I believed that it was up to a complete stranger take from me the only thing of value I had (my sex) and do the world a favour and rid it of me.

I'd love to say that that feeling died a long time ago. Sometimes it still finds its way back into my mind though. This tumour hasn't quite gone away just yet. It's still spreading its poison through my body...into my brain...