Choices

I broke down. I finally told him it's over. What else am I supposed to do? I'm fighting a losing battle against an invisible enemy/opponent.

He asked me to wait for him and to give him time. For what...I don't know. He says he doesn't even know. But is it really fair for me to put aside my wants, my desires, my needs and compete with someone else? No.

I've sacrificed everything to be with him. I was willing to sacrifice even more. Because that's what you do for the person you love. Knowing that he can sit there, refuse to hold me, kiss me, make love to me kills me inside. This is the same man who used to tell me that every moment without me was torture. That he couldn't wait to have me in his arms, his lips on mine.

He says he can't make promises. I'm sure he can. He just doesn't want to. He wants to see me and this other person. I told him no. He can't have it both ways. Why? That's not the way I live my life. That's not the way he said he did either. These things just "don't happen", like he said they did. There was a lot at stake. He knew I was coming to be with him. Yet...somehow...he put me on the back-burner...and replaced me. And yet...he says he never intended for any of this to happen. There's no trace of me around. There's no memory that I even existed. Yet night after night, I have to go to bed seeing this other person's face smiling at me...as if to say ha...fuck you. I won.

I told him...you got what you wanted. Both of you. Both of you win. I'm out of the picture. But I can't live like this. Day in and day out of being hurt. In a week, he spent three nights away from me...with him. Yet he says he doesn't want to hurt me and that he is sorry.

I mean everything I say. I say everything I do. Otherwise I don't say or do it.

I've said this to him...and I've continued to say this to him...but I have to write it down so I can give myself peace of mind...and a reminder that I got everything off my chest.

When we met, I was the most important person to you. I was the best thing that happened to you. You used to want to hear about everything...my pain...my success...my happiness. You couldn't live one moment without knowing that I was thinking about you...or wouldn't let a minute go by without me knowing that you loved and were thinking about me. You promised me the world, even though I told you never to make any promises you couldn't keep. You insisted that your promises were sacred and were gold. You introduced me to all your close friends, colleagues, and family. I told you not to unless you were 100% sure that this is what you wanted. You made the ultimate promise, by telling me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me in marriage. I believed you. I broke down and believed everything you had to say to me. Then you changed. You humiliated every ounce of me. You introduced someone else into your head, your heart, and our relationship. I called out to you at every turn, asking, begging you to please wait for me. You lied, saying you would. Then I find out, over the phone, that you have feelings for someone else. You said that it just happened (NOTHING ever just happens), that you didn't expect it, and that you tried to overcome the feelings. How? How did you try to end those feelings? You continued to pursue your little affair. You never once thought about cutting it off with him. You never once said to yourself "I made a commitment to him. I need to work on that." So, I ask you to end it with me, you said you can't because you want time and you want things to go back to the way they were and that whatever happened in my absence was a huge mistake. Shame on me, because I believed you at that point too. I left everything to come down here to be with you and to start the rest of my life. I was even willing to put our relationship on hold while you work on your issues...but with me. You refused to let me in. You made no room in your home for me. I made no demands of you...except that you stop hurting me and end this. You created this situation...these circumstances...yet you, unfairly, ask me to decide. When I ask you what YOU want, you refuse to tell me as if I'm supposed to give you the answer. There never is any easy answer. You have to go with your heart. Yet you keep insisting that you can't make any promises. Yes...yes you can. You just don't want to. I don't know what you're so afraid of. I would never, ever, ever hurt you. I'd hurt myself before I'd ever hurt you. But you've hurt me over the course of several months - almost a full year - why should I put myself in a position where I'm the one who's going to hurt again? I'd rather get out than feel that pain later on. I'm sorry, but I can't live knowing that you chose someone else over me. I'd rather say goodbye now. I asked God to tell me what to do...but I don't get an answer, so I have to listen to my heart. I told you what I want. You don't want to hear my cries. I said to myself "maybe all he needs is to just see me...touch me...kiss me...and then he'll remember why he fell in love with me" but you've become so detached from me...from us...that that makes no difference. I can't control myself or my feelings. Your feelings have already become subdued. I can see it in your eyes, and despite what you say, in your words...and especially, in your actions. Someone else has every right over you. I no longer have any place in your life. I have no right to ask for my rights to your life...or your heart. I love you, but I can't sacrifice my self-respect. I would lay down my life for you. If you needed it, I would give you my heart to keep you alive. I doubt anyone in your life would ever give you that amount of importance. If you asked me to, I'd even cut off my right arm for you. That's how much you mean to me. But you've taken away all my choices. You've left me with nowhere to go. 

Pain

I'm having a really hard time reconciling my feelings right now. I know that there's only one thing I can do in order to end the pain. It's really so unbearable, that I can't face the day. Every night I go to bed, I pray to God that I don't wake up in the morning.

It's not just one thing, it's a combination of everything. I am NOT a bad person, but I can't fathom all the negativity and the shit that I constantly have to face. I don't go out seeking to hurt anyone. I try very hard to be truthful. I try very hard to be loyal to the people that I care about and love deeply. I don't betray anyone.

Yet despite all of this, I always have to face the fact that there is nothing, no one out there that will ever make me feel the same way I try to make them feel. I am selfish to some extent, yet at the same time, I think about how others will feel if I do this or say that. It isn't guilt or conscience that controls it. It's love.

This is all my fault. I can't face the world anymore. I can't deal with all the pain and the hurt that those around me keep hurling my way.

All I ever really wanted was for someone to truly love me. To say those words and to MEAN them. Not take them back at a whim. Not say I love you, but...

I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I don't want anyone to think that they need to do things for me because they have to.

The world would be a much better place. I'm not sure I'm even concerned with the consequences anymore.

Dead end

All you needed to do was be honest with me.

I gave you all of myself because you asked me to.

In return, you promised me the exact same thing.

I never imagined you would ever be so sick and selfish.

I never ever played games with you.

But now you're doing nothing but play with me, my feelings, and my heart.

I was never dishonest with you.

You've done nothing but lie and cheat.

I can't show my face to anyone anymore.

I don't know how you can face yourself, eat, or go to sleep at night.

You took everything away from me.

I want you to feel exactly what I'm feeling right now, but know you never will.

You took away all my choices...except for one.

I have nothing left anymore.

Lonely

I wish I could describe how I'm feeling right now. Problem is...I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I do know that I'm feeling lonely. But there's something else there too. I don't think I've ever felt quite like this before. I feel so detached from the people around me...the people that should be close to me. It's almost as if they're strangers.

Untitled

I feel sad.

I feel hollow.

I feel empty.

Why me?

Every time I think I'm moving one step ahead, it ends up that I'm pushed five steps back.

I do believe in God. I seriously do. But there are times when I want to shake my fists into the air and scream out loud:

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME? WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO KEEP GOING THROUGH ALL THIS? ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU FUCKED ME UP ONCE...TWICE..THREE TIMES? DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FACING SOME TYPE OF FUCKING TEST? WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD GETS WHATEVER IT IS THAT THEY FUCKING WANT - BUT WHEN I GET IT - IT COMES AT A PRICE?

Then I realize how pathetic I sound. That I end up sounding like a whining, sniveling, piece of garbage. Then I realize that I just deserve all of this. Everything that comes my way.

Tests

I've been feeling a big wave of emotions lately. I don't know where it all begins or where it all ends.

I feel like I'm fucking crazy.

Each and every day for me is a struggle. I wake up most mornings feeling as though I never wanted to wake up in the first place.

Slowly, I've started to resort back to some of my old habits. Eating for me seems like a chore. My body aches because I can't put food into my stomach. But the thought of eating repulses me. I peck at food, even though my stomach hurts for more. I remember being like this throughout high school. I'd only eat one meal a day but constantly drink water and other things just to fill myself up. Yesterday, I even almost asked someone for a cigarette. I've been smoke-free for about seven years now. It was something I was so proud of. My biggest accomplishment. And even that almost went up in smoke.

I can't seem to resolve my feelings. I'm now living with a man that I love...and I don't know why because he doesn't love me the way I love him. He's hurt me so much. There's part of me that says that I should just let things go and accept reality. Life isn't a movie or a fairy tale with happy endings. This is life. I need to accept it and get used to it.

For my whole life, I've always had to pass a series of tests. Whether I've passed or failed, I will never know. I do know this. I've always failed at every relationship I have ever had. In some way, I always disappoint the people around me and they end up leaving me.

My family will never truly accept me because of who I am. I can never tell them the things that I feel or the things that I have been through because they could never stomach it. I want to spare them that. But doing so makes me have to sacrifice who I am. My friends...they have their own lives. How can I expect them to drop everything for me? This is why I've been searching my whole life for someone who will only and always be mine. Someone who will comfort me. Someone who will listen to me. Someone who will shelter me. Someone who will never leave me and say I love you no matter what.

I now think it's foolish to have that expectation. He said I need to speak to someone. He said whenever we made love, I would say "no". I don't remember that. It hurts so much inside. I don't know I am anymore.

I was having those thoughts again. It was so hard not to want to do it. But something kept me from doing it again. I was ready. I was going to go somewhere quiet and hopefully just drift away. Why couldn't it have just happened? Wouldn't everyone be better off without someone like me? My family wouldn't have to deal with the burden of my embarrassment of an existence. And he would be able to go on with his life and not have to deal with my mess, my anger, or my hurt.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. He says I should talk to someone. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want to relive things. I don't remember half of what went on, except for little blips. I buried all this. I worked so hard to bury all of this, and here I am again, facing it again.

My body aches. My head hurts. Last night, I felt like there was a weight pressing down on top of me. My legs hurt so much. I used to wake up like that when I was a little kid. My mom would come running into my room when she heard me crying. She spent hours every night comforting me. No one did that for me last night. I felt so alone. I feel so alone.

People say that there's at least one person in this world for you. I don't think there's anyone out there for me. I can think of only a few moments when I was truly happy in my life. I remember holding my niece for the very first time a few hours after she was born. That moment gave me true bliss. I still think of that and it really makes me happy. Then I get scared. Because when I look at my nieces and nephews, I get scared. I love their innocence. I think I was like that at one time. I get scared knowing that there is so much cruelty out there...that I just want to put them into a little box and hide them. The strange thing is that they're not even mine and I feel that way.

I've done a lot in my life. Even thinking about all that, I can't say that I'm truly happy. None of that makes me happy at all. Because I've had to sacrifice things to get to where I am. Every road I turn down...is a test. Hearing people tell me that they can't do this and don't feel that. It's so hard.

I can't be strong anymore. I don't know if I have the ability to do it anymore. I'm tired.