Tests

I've been feeling a big wave of emotions lately. I don't know where it all begins or where it all ends.

I feel like I'm fucking crazy.

Each and every day for me is a struggle. I wake up most mornings feeling as though I never wanted to wake up in the first place.

Slowly, I've started to resort back to some of my old habits. Eating for me seems like a chore. My body aches because I can't put food into my stomach. But the thought of eating repulses me. I peck at food, even though my stomach hurts for more. I remember being like this throughout high school. I'd only eat one meal a day but constantly drink water and other things just to fill myself up. Yesterday, I even almost asked someone for a cigarette. I've been smoke-free for about seven years now. It was something I was so proud of. My biggest accomplishment. And even that almost went up in smoke.

I can't seem to resolve my feelings. I'm now living with a man that I love...and I don't know why because he doesn't love me the way I love him. He's hurt me so much. There's part of me that says that I should just let things go and accept reality. Life isn't a movie or a fairy tale with happy endings. This is life. I need to accept it and get used to it.

For my whole life, I've always had to pass a series of tests. Whether I've passed or failed, I will never know. I do know this. I've always failed at every relationship I have ever had. In some way, I always disappoint the people around me and they end up leaving me.

My family will never truly accept me because of who I am. I can never tell them the things that I feel or the things that I have been through because they could never stomach it. I want to spare them that. But doing so makes me have to sacrifice who I am. My friends...they have their own lives. How can I expect them to drop everything for me? This is why I've been searching my whole life for someone who will only and always be mine. Someone who will comfort me. Someone who will listen to me. Someone who will shelter me. Someone who will never leave me and say I love you no matter what.

I now think it's foolish to have that expectation. He said I need to speak to someone. He said whenever we made love, I would say "no". I don't remember that. It hurts so much inside. I don't know I am anymore.

I was having those thoughts again. It was so hard not to want to do it. But something kept me from doing it again. I was ready. I was going to go somewhere quiet and hopefully just drift away. Why couldn't it have just happened? Wouldn't everyone be better off without someone like me? My family wouldn't have to deal with the burden of my embarrassment of an existence. And he would be able to go on with his life and not have to deal with my mess, my anger, or my hurt.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. He says I should talk to someone. I don't want to talk to anyone about this. I don't want to relive things. I don't remember half of what went on, except for little blips. I buried all this. I worked so hard to bury all of this, and here I am again, facing it again.

My body aches. My head hurts. Last night, I felt like there was a weight pressing down on top of me. My legs hurt so much. I used to wake up like that when I was a little kid. My mom would come running into my room when she heard me crying. She spent hours every night comforting me. No one did that for me last night. I felt so alone. I feel so alone.

People say that there's at least one person in this world for you. I don't think there's anyone out there for me. I can think of only a few moments when I was truly happy in my life. I remember holding my niece for the very first time a few hours after she was born. That moment gave me true bliss. I still think of that and it really makes me happy. Then I get scared. Because when I look at my nieces and nephews, I get scared. I love their innocence. I think I was like that at one time. I get scared knowing that there is so much cruelty out there...that I just want to put them into a little box and hide them. The strange thing is that they're not even mine and I feel that way.

I've done a lot in my life. Even thinking about all that, I can't say that I'm truly happy. None of that makes me happy at all. Because I've had to sacrifice things to get to where I am. Every road I turn down...is a test. Hearing people tell me that they can't do this and don't feel that. It's so hard.

I can't be strong anymore. I don't know if I have the ability to do it anymore. I'm tired.

Trust

Dear ____:

There are a lot of things that have been going through my mind. I don't know what it's like for you, but each and every day, I feel as though I hate myself even more.

Three weeks ago, you told me that there was nothing between us anymore. Then you told me that you need more time, to figure out things that are going on through your head. You told me that it was unfair of you to ask me that, but that I'm the most important person in your life. That I am the best thing that's ever happened to you and that you can't imagine your life without me. Maybe that's true. But the fact that you hurt me in this way is really hard to accept.

Three years ago, you were so eager to get to know me. You wanted nothing but to have me in your life. To talk to me every day. To email me and tell me how much you missed me and how empty your life was without me. To hear that someone else has filled that void...so quickly...so easily is a huge betrayal.

You spoke about my relationship with you to other people. To this person. You opened up to everyone but me. It's really hard for me to understand how you could have done this to me. Then you tell me not to blame myself. What am I supposed to do? There was a lot that I didn't say and didn't do, and yes, I blame myself for that all the time. But the fact that you thought about someone else - including yourself - over me is reprehensible. You asked me to marry you. I take that commitment very seriously. I held on to the fact that you meant what you said and you were true to your word. Clearly, that meant nothing to you. That was just a moment of weakness. Just something you said in passing. I didn't want to believe it, but I believe it now.

I'm grateful that this happened. I ask myself what if we were married? What would you have done then? Would you still have let someone into your life, your home - the home that you once wanted to share with me? And most importantly, let him into your heart...when I was the only person that was supposed to have that place?

I went to bed every night wondering just what it was that I did wrong. I cried. I convulsed. I spent my days and nights thinking about you, losing sleep, losing my appetite. I asked you...begged you...to please wait for me. To not give up on me. All this, while you somehow started to develop feelings for someone. How the fuck does that happen? How do you forget the one person you make a commitment to and just cast all that aside? I want to ask you what it was that made him so special that you forgot about me and our relationship. You walked all over my feelings, all over our plans, and our dreams. You stepped on them and walked all over me as if I am nothing but a doormat.

It's not that easy for me to turn myself off. In our conversations, your actions, your attitude seem very cavalier. You said you didn't want drama in your life or mine, yet you continue to create it. You seem so indifferent. I don't even know who you are anymore. And you continue to tell me that you love me. That's probably what hurts the most. Not to mention the fact that you never had the balls to tell me in person, face-to-face. But rather, you told me on the phone. You told me I feel as though our relationship has come to an impasse, as though I had anything to do with it. It feels like you're testing me. It feels as though you're keeping me on a leash...just in case things don't work out on that end.

Let me tell you. I hope they don't. I hope he hurts you and makes you feel like complete and utter shit. And I hope that you come to me and say that you made a huge mistake. I want to tell you that you're not the man I once knew. And that I want nothing to do with you ever again.

Knowing my luck, that will never happen. But I can always hope. Because you need to feel exactly what you put me through. And you need to own up to it. Not because you think you should feel it. But because you've lost something so precious. And something that you will never be able to find ever again.

The big thing that bothers me even more is...despite everything that's happened...I still love you.

Someone for me...?

It takes a lot to build a relationship. Loyalty, love, compassion, sacrifice. But most of all trust. It doesn't matter if it's between family members, friends, co-workers, or life-partners. It goes both ways. For me, it's always been a one-way street.

I've always given a lot to those around me. Sure, I've taken. But for some reason, people keep taking and taking from me, expecting that I continue giving until they're ready to leave me. They cast me aside, almost as though our relationship never really existed. And they expect me to be happy with that and just accept it. Sometimes I am. What can you do when there's nothing left? Why fight a losing battle and keep batting your head against a wall?

My first boyfriend was about 15 years older than me. We dated for more than a year. He refused to commit to me because I wasn't "emotionally ready". So I broke down. Then it was because I lived at home. So I moved out. But he never spent any time with me in my apartment. He ended up living with someone else. Then he broke up with me because I was too young for him. He wrote it in a letter that he mailed to me.

I had a relationship with a man that I lived with for three years (we were together for almost five though). He was "so in love with" me. We moved in together. And shortly after that, I found out he was cheating on me. I always turned the other way, thinking it was my fault. Sure, we had sex. But it was just sex. It got to a point that he'd turn me over during the night and fuck me. I never felt a thing. We never really fought. I was hanging on to our relationship. Because that's what people do. He never thought about me, my feelings, or about what our mutual commitment meant to either of us (clearly it meant nothing to him). I've seen him a few times over the last ten years. We slept together twice. I never felt a thing...except shame.

One of my best friends in high school moved in with me when I went back to college. She refused to get a job. She leeched off me. She even stole my car. I was in school, balancing 20 hours a week at work to make ends meet for myself. Then she had the audacity to bad mouth me to other people about how selfish I was. Sure. Selfish because I lent you money and you never bothered to pay me back. Selfish because I asked that she pick up after herself. Selfish because I asked that she take care of her cats who started begging me for food. I finally had enough. She went away and didn't bother to tell me where she went or for how long. So I moved out. All I did was leave her a note and shoved the key under the door.

I think my problems with relationships might stem from what happened to me. I don't know if it did. But someone might think so. I trusted someone so much and he stole so much from me. My ability to (sometimes) think rationally. My ability to love myself. My ability to walk away from horribly abusive relationships. My ability to want things for myself and not feel guilty.

I'm now in a situation where my trust is being abused again. A man who can very simply turn his feelings off for a few days a week. And then tell me with a straight face that he loves me and that he's sad that he continues to hurt me. So why shouldn't I wonder or question every fucking word he said to me? Was it a way to bait me? And then dangle a carrot in front of my face? How do you love someone for three years, plan a life together, and then pull the rug out from under the other person and say I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. To me, that's the ultimate betrayal. I feel guilty and bad asking for my place in his life. He gave me that right. And now he's denying it. Because of another person. Every time, it's been because I'm not good enough. My sacrifices, my love...none of that are good enough.

But then I realize. Are you crazy? I've worked so hard to get to where I am today (even with the crazies going on in my head). I'm not the strongest person in the world. I'm far from perfect. But I know that there is a lot of good in me, even if there's been a lot of bad in my life.

Somewhere out there...there's someone for me. He'll want nothing but to be with me. And I'll give him the same in return. The whole world is my oyster. My prince will come.

A new chapter

So there's been a lot that's happened since I last wrote. I just can't believe it's only been about eight weeks. It feels like a lot more.

My partner, the man I believed was going to be with me for the rest of my life, told me that he was conflicted. Conflicted because he developed feelings for someone else. All the while, telling me that he never stopped loving me. It hurt. It still does. Not only because I feel like he deceived me, but because I take vows of love and vows of loyalty very seriously. But was I surprised? Through all the hurt...not really. It's just one in another long line of people who take, take, take, and then when it's time for them to really deliver, shut down. I'm at work while I'm writing this, and feel a little off. I feel as though I'm about to burst into tears. We have communicated. I've told him everything I've been feeling. I've yelled, accused, and cried. But most importantly, I opened up. Something I've been wanting to do. Because that's what you do when you love someone.

You see, we've never really shared the same space for more than a week at a time, and that's months apart. We've been (were...however you want to put it) together for three years. The relationship's been long distance. The best part of that is that we were forced to get to know each other. We actually talked. We talked about things that were important to us - dreams, past relationships, family, careers, our future. Then we talked about us - how we felt about each other, what we wanted from each other, and how we were going to get there. I love him so much. I'm not sure he really knows that. But the one thing we really didn't share was physical intimacy. I know I've said that I'm a very sexual person, but when I'm in a relationship, I freeze up. In the back of my head, I'm telling myself  he's going to know what happened to you and he's gonna leave you like everyone else. I resigned myself to tell him. He deserved to know. When he does, he won't know what to do with you. Why should he suffer for something that happened to me? I wanted to enjoy sex with him. But I couldn't because I had this black cloud looming over me...and it slowly started to cast its shadow over the two of us. I hated him feeling as though it was him. It never was.

He finally broke down and told me that part of the reason was because our sex life was so sparse. You see, the reason I never told him was because I couldn't fathom telling him during our two or three days...our special time that we spent together. I never wanted to tell him over the phone - because that would be taking the chicken way out. I certainly never wanted him to think I was using this as a crutch, as a way to keep him in my life and not leave me. I wanted him to be with me because he wanted to be with me. Because we had built up such a solid foundation in our relationship. I wanted to tell him when we were together not on the phone, not just for a few days, but for a lifetime.

But I did. I finally told him. It was such an emotionally heated conversation that I let it out. I was wailing. I couldn't control myself. I wanted him to comfort me. I really needed him with me. I wanted him to hold me, and say no matter what you went through, I will always love you and be by  your side. I am so sorry that happened to you. But I can't remember what he said. I know he said I should talk to someone and get help. It hurt that he didn't say talk to me about everything. I want to know. Let me help you. I love and care about you so much that I'll never leave you, regardless of what you say, think, or feel. But he didn't. And so, now he knows.

So how do I feel about this? Even though, at first, I felt as though I made a horribly big mistake by telling him, and because there's a slim chance that we'll be able to move on together as a couple, I feel like I did the right thing. I feel much lighter.

Getting there

I finally contacted him. The one man I think that can answer a few questions. The one man I feel just a little weird about. I had his phone number and email address. But being the chicken that I am, I decided to email him instead of call. To my surprise, he responded within minutes. He didn't even ask me how I found him (and I didn't offer that information).

His first few emails came quickly. A few of them were even cryptic, almost like he wasn't surprised at all that I initiated contact. When I said that I needed to ask him questions about my past, he suggested meeting and talking about those times. Perhaps he didn't believe I'd take him up on the offer, because when I told him I could meet him, he backed off. He said he found it very strange that I would want to meet him. That his memory isn't what it used to be. That his memory of me wasn't very significant. But that if I felt it was necessary, he'd oblige. After sending my response thanking him, saying it would mean a lot to me, nothing. I received absolutely no reply.

That shouldn't have surprised me. Everywhere I turn for answers, some roadblock always comes up.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I'm tired of it.

But then I think...am I not tired of living in the dark?

Fake

I'm a complete and utter fake. I walk through my life as though I'm someone completely different. I pretend to be happy. I pretend to be normal. Deep down inside, I know I'm not. Just when things get really good, something inside me wants to sabotage everything. Like today.

I woke up today in such a funk. I was so upset at the world. I was so upset at me. Everything around me just made me want to close up inside myself. Every person I saw made me cringe. Everyone that spoke to me made me want to cry. I felt so alone among all those people today that I just wanted to run away screaming. Speaking hurt. Smiling felt like it was painful. Thinking was a chore. I felt so tired. I hate those questions. "What's wrong?"..."Are you okay?"..."Everything okay?". Pfft.

Then I get so angry with myself. I can't believe that I let myself be like this. No one is supposed to know that something is wrong with me. Fuck.

Maybe tomorrow

I've been sitting here, staring at this phone number. I keep telling myself to call. Then I end up promising myself I'll do it tomorrow.

I've waited years to find it. To have the ability to make that call. And now...I can't.

I've never been afraid to do anything like this. I'm actually quite gutsy. But now that it has to do with me..with something so personal, I guess I'm chickening out. There's some fear inside that maybe he won't remember me. Maybe he won't be able to answer any of my questions. I've even planned to be someone else when I call so I don't alarm him. Maybe tomorrow.