So I'm starting to feel a little better about things. Most things.
I've begun the healing process from the break-up. I've emotionally and physically distanced myself from him to the point that I will not talk to him and will force myself not to think about him. Which is good. This is what I needed...need. I have to be strong for myself.
I think it was a moment where I woke up and realized that I'm too good to beg anyone to be with me. I have a lot of good in me, and if someone fails to recognize that, then that's just too bad. I'm not going to waste my time beating my head against a brick wall or crying over someone who just doesn't give a damn or even wait around for someone that might not just turn around. He told me that he was "torn and conflicted" - but not torn or conflicted enough to spend time with me. In fact, the few times he has it's been forced and it was like he couldn't wait for it to end. So in the end, I decided I wouldn't even give him the time of day. I'm not being mean. I'm just being realistic.
Now...I didn't want to waste my time talking about him that much. He just isn't worth it.
I did have the strangest "dream" a few nights ago. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I'll try to put down my thoughts after I explain what happened. I was watching a movie when my eyes got a little droopy. So I turned the TV off and turned my back to the set. I knew I was halfway to slumber-land. But I had the strangest feeling. I was lying on my side when it felt as though there were hands holding my arms. I suddenly felt something in the small of my back and my breathing started getting laboured. It was almost as though I couldn't breathe. My body contorted a bit, and then I felt like I had no other choice but to lie on my stomach. I felt an incredible weight crushing down on top of me. There was a heaviness in my legs. I felt like I was choking. I started to pant. My arms were clamped down to my sides. And then suddenly...it all stopped. I opened my eyes and woke up.
I'm not sure what that means. I feel as though maybe my body was remembering something and that my mind didn't quite catch up. Oddly enough, I felt a little wave of peace...a little happy that I may have actually "remembered" something (even though I really didn't).
Maybe something will come over me soon...
I hope.
Monday 9 September 2013
Monday 2 September 2013
Choices
I broke down. I finally told him it's over. What else am I supposed to do? I'm fighting a losing battle against an invisible enemy/opponent.
He asked me to wait for him and to give him time. For what...I don't know. He says he doesn't even know. But is it really fair for me to put aside my wants, my desires, my needs and compete with someone else? No.
I've sacrificed everything to be with him. I was willing to sacrifice even more. Because that's what you do for the person you love. Knowing that he can sit there, refuse to hold me, kiss me, make love to me kills me inside. This is the same man who used to tell me that every moment without me was torture. That he couldn't wait to have me in his arms, his lips on mine.
He says he can't make promises. I'm sure he can. He just doesn't want to. He wants to see me and this other person. I told him no. He can't have it both ways. Why? That's not the way I live my life. That's not the way he said he did either. These things just "don't happen", like he said they did. There was a lot at stake. He knew I was coming to be with him. Yet...somehow...he put me on the back-burner...and replaced me. And yet...he says he never intended for any of this to happen. There's no trace of me around. There's no memory that I even existed. Yet night after night, I have to go to bed seeing this other person's face smiling at me...as if to say ha...fuck you. I won.
I told him...you got what you wanted. Both of you. Both of you win. I'm out of the picture. But I can't live like this. Day in and day out of being hurt. In a week, he spent three nights away from me...with him. Yet he says he doesn't want to hurt me and that he is sorry.
I mean everything I say. I say everything I do. Otherwise I don't say or do it.
I've said this to him...and I've continued to say this to him...but I have to write it down so I can give myself peace of mind...and a reminder that I got everything off my chest.
When we met, I was the most important person to you. I was the best thing that happened to you. You used to want to hear about everything...my pain...my success...my happiness. You couldn't live one moment without knowing that I was thinking about you...or wouldn't let a minute go by without me knowing that you loved and were thinking about me. You promised me the world, even though I told you never to make any promises you couldn't keep. You insisted that your promises were sacred and were gold. You introduced me to all your close friends, colleagues, and family. I told you not to unless you were 100% sure that this is what you wanted. You made the ultimate promise, by telling me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me in marriage. I believed you. I broke down and believed everything you had to say to me. Then you changed. You humiliated every ounce of me. You introduced someone else into your head, your heart, and our relationship. I called out to you at every turn, asking, begging you to please wait for me. You lied, saying you would. Then I find out, over the phone, that you have feelings for someone else. You said that it just happened (NOTHING ever just happens), that you didn't expect it, and that you tried to overcome the feelings. How? How did you try to end those feelings? You continued to pursue your little affair. You never once thought about cutting it off with him. You never once said to yourself "I made a commitment to him. I need to work on that." So, I ask you to end it with me, you said you can't because you want time and you want things to go back to the way they were and that whatever happened in my absence was a huge mistake. Shame on me, because I believed you at that point too. I left everything to come down here to be with you and to start the rest of my life. I was even willing to put our relationship on hold while you work on your issues...but with me. You refused to let me in. You made no room in your home for me. I made no demands of you...except that you stop hurting me and end this. You created this situation...these circumstances...yet you, unfairly, ask me to decide. When I ask you what YOU want, you refuse to tell me as if I'm supposed to give you the answer. There never is any easy answer. You have to go with your heart. Yet you keep insisting that you can't make any promises. Yes...yes you can. You just don't want to. I don't know what you're so afraid of. I would never, ever, ever hurt you. I'd hurt myself before I'd ever hurt you. But you've hurt me over the course of several months - almost a full year - why should I put myself in a position where I'm the one who's going to hurt again? I'd rather get out than feel that pain later on. I'm sorry, but I can't live knowing that you chose someone else over me. I'd rather say goodbye now. I asked God to tell me what to do...but I don't get an answer, so I have to listen to my heart. I told you what I want. You don't want to hear my cries. I said to myself "maybe all he needs is to just see me...touch me...kiss me...and then he'll remember why he fell in love with me" but you've become so detached from me...from us...that that makes no difference. I can't control myself or my feelings. Your feelings have already become subdued. I can see it in your eyes, and despite what you say, in your words...and especially, in your actions. Someone else has every right over you. I no longer have any place in your life. I have no right to ask for my rights to your life...or your heart. I love you, but I can't sacrifice my self-respect. I would lay down my life for you. If you needed it, I would give you my heart to keep you alive. I doubt anyone in your life would ever give you that amount of importance. If you asked me to, I'd even cut off my right arm for you. That's how much you mean to me. But you've taken away all my choices. You've left me with nowhere to go.
He asked me to wait for him and to give him time. For what...I don't know. He says he doesn't even know. But is it really fair for me to put aside my wants, my desires, my needs and compete with someone else? No.
I've sacrificed everything to be with him. I was willing to sacrifice even more. Because that's what you do for the person you love. Knowing that he can sit there, refuse to hold me, kiss me, make love to me kills me inside. This is the same man who used to tell me that every moment without me was torture. That he couldn't wait to have me in his arms, his lips on mine.
He says he can't make promises. I'm sure he can. He just doesn't want to. He wants to see me and this other person. I told him no. He can't have it both ways. Why? That's not the way I live my life. That's not the way he said he did either. These things just "don't happen", like he said they did. There was a lot at stake. He knew I was coming to be with him. Yet...somehow...he put me on the back-burner...and replaced me. And yet...he says he never intended for any of this to happen. There's no trace of me around. There's no memory that I even existed. Yet night after night, I have to go to bed seeing this other person's face smiling at me...as if to say ha...fuck you. I won.
I told him...you got what you wanted. Both of you. Both of you win. I'm out of the picture. But I can't live like this. Day in and day out of being hurt. In a week, he spent three nights away from me...with him. Yet he says he doesn't want to hurt me and that he is sorry.
I mean everything I say. I say everything I do. Otherwise I don't say or do it.
I've said this to him...and I've continued to say this to him...but I have to write it down so I can give myself peace of mind...and a reminder that I got everything off my chest.
When we met, I was the most important person to you. I was the best thing that happened to you. You used to want to hear about everything...my pain...my success...my happiness. You couldn't live one moment without knowing that I was thinking about you...or wouldn't let a minute go by without me knowing that you loved and were thinking about me. You promised me the world, even though I told you never to make any promises you couldn't keep. You insisted that your promises were sacred and were gold. You introduced me to all your close friends, colleagues, and family. I told you not to unless you were 100% sure that this is what you wanted. You made the ultimate promise, by telling me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me in marriage. I believed you. I broke down and believed everything you had to say to me. Then you changed. You humiliated every ounce of me. You introduced someone else into your head, your heart, and our relationship. I called out to you at every turn, asking, begging you to please wait for me. You lied, saying you would. Then I find out, over the phone, that you have feelings for someone else. You said that it just happened (NOTHING ever just happens), that you didn't expect it, and that you tried to overcome the feelings. How? How did you try to end those feelings? You continued to pursue your little affair. You never once thought about cutting it off with him. You never once said to yourself "I made a commitment to him. I need to work on that." So, I ask you to end it with me, you said you can't because you want time and you want things to go back to the way they were and that whatever happened in my absence was a huge mistake. Shame on me, because I believed you at that point too. I left everything to come down here to be with you and to start the rest of my life. I was even willing to put our relationship on hold while you work on your issues...but with me. You refused to let me in. You made no room in your home for me. I made no demands of you...except that you stop hurting me and end this. You created this situation...these circumstances...yet you, unfairly, ask me to decide. When I ask you what YOU want, you refuse to tell me as if I'm supposed to give you the answer. There never is any easy answer. You have to go with your heart. Yet you keep insisting that you can't make any promises. Yes...yes you can. You just don't want to. I don't know what you're so afraid of. I would never, ever, ever hurt you. I'd hurt myself before I'd ever hurt you. But you've hurt me over the course of several months - almost a full year - why should I put myself in a position where I'm the one who's going to hurt again? I'd rather get out than feel that pain later on. I'm sorry, but I can't live knowing that you chose someone else over me. I'd rather say goodbye now. I asked God to tell me what to do...but I don't get an answer, so I have to listen to my heart. I told you what I want. You don't want to hear my cries. I said to myself "maybe all he needs is to just see me...touch me...kiss me...and then he'll remember why he fell in love with me" but you've become so detached from me...from us...that that makes no difference. I can't control myself or my feelings. Your feelings have already become subdued. I can see it in your eyes, and despite what you say, in your words...and especially, in your actions. Someone else has every right over you. I no longer have any place in your life. I have no right to ask for my rights to your life...or your heart. I love you, but I can't sacrifice my self-respect. I would lay down my life for you. If you needed it, I would give you my heart to keep you alive. I doubt anyone in your life would ever give you that amount of importance. If you asked me to, I'd even cut off my right arm for you. That's how much you mean to me. But you've taken away all my choices. You've left me with nowhere to go.
Saturday 31 August 2013
Pain
I'm having a really hard time reconciling my feelings right now. I know that there's only one thing I can do in order to end the pain. It's really so unbearable, that I can't face the day. Every night I go to bed, I pray to God that I don't wake up in the morning.
It's not just one thing, it's a combination of everything. I am NOT a bad person, but I can't fathom all the negativity and the shit that I constantly have to face. I don't go out seeking to hurt anyone. I try very hard to be truthful. I try very hard to be loyal to the people that I care about and love deeply. I don't betray anyone.
Yet despite all of this, I always have to face the fact that there is nothing, no one out there that will ever make me feel the same way I try to make them feel. I am selfish to some extent, yet at the same time, I think about how others will feel if I do this or say that. It isn't guilt or conscience that controls it. It's love.
This is all my fault. I can't face the world anymore. I can't deal with all the pain and the hurt that those around me keep hurling my way.
All I ever really wanted was for someone to truly love me. To say those words and to MEAN them. Not take them back at a whim. Not say I love you, but...
I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I don't want anyone to think that they need to do things for me because they have to.
The world would be a much better place. I'm not sure I'm even concerned with the consequences anymore.
It's not just one thing, it's a combination of everything. I am NOT a bad person, but I can't fathom all the negativity and the shit that I constantly have to face. I don't go out seeking to hurt anyone. I try very hard to be truthful. I try very hard to be loyal to the people that I care about and love deeply. I don't betray anyone.
Yet despite all of this, I always have to face the fact that there is nothing, no one out there that will ever make me feel the same way I try to make them feel. I am selfish to some extent, yet at the same time, I think about how others will feel if I do this or say that. It isn't guilt or conscience that controls it. It's love.
This is all my fault. I can't face the world anymore. I can't deal with all the pain and the hurt that those around me keep hurling my way.
All I ever really wanted was for someone to truly love me. To say those words and to MEAN them. Not take them back at a whim. Not say I love you, but...
I don't want to be a burden on anyone anymore. I don't want anyone to think that they need to do things for me because they have to.
The world would be a much better place. I'm not sure I'm even concerned with the consequences anymore.
Dead end
All you needed to do was be honest with me.
I gave you all of myself because you asked me to.
In return, you promised me the exact same thing.
I never imagined you would ever be so sick and selfish.
I never ever played games with you.
But now you're doing nothing but play with me, my feelings, and my heart.
I was never dishonest with you.
You've done nothing but lie and cheat.
I can't show my face to anyone anymore.
I don't know how you can face yourself, eat, or go to sleep at night.
You took everything away from me.
I want you to feel exactly what I'm feeling right now, but know you never will.
You took away all my choices...except for one.
I have nothing left anymore.
I gave you all of myself because you asked me to.
In return, you promised me the exact same thing.
I never imagined you would ever be so sick and selfish.
I never ever played games with you.
But now you're doing nothing but play with me, my feelings, and my heart.
I was never dishonest with you.
You've done nothing but lie and cheat.
I can't show my face to anyone anymore.
I don't know how you can face yourself, eat, or go to sleep at night.
You took everything away from me.
I want you to feel exactly what I'm feeling right now, but know you never will.
You took away all my choices...except for one.
I have nothing left anymore.
Tuesday 27 August 2013
Lonely
I wish I could describe how I'm feeling right now. Problem is...I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I do know that I'm feeling lonely. But there's something else there too. I don't think I've ever felt quite like this before. I feel so detached from the people around me...the people that should be close to me. It's almost as if they're strangers.
Monday 26 August 2013
Why me?
Every time I think I'm moving one step ahead, it ends up that I'm pushed five steps back.
I do believe in God. I seriously do. But there are times when I want to shake my fists into the air and scream out loud:
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME? WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO KEEP GOING THROUGH ALL THIS? ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU FUCKED ME UP ONCE...TWICE..THREE TIMES? DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FACING SOME TYPE OF FUCKING TEST? WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD GETS WHATEVER IT IS THAT THEY FUCKING WANT - BUT WHEN I GET IT - IT COMES AT A PRICE?
Then I realize how pathetic I sound. That I end up sounding like a whining, sniveling, piece of garbage. Then I realize that I just deserve all of this. Everything that comes my way.
I do believe in God. I seriously do. But there are times when I want to shake my fists into the air and scream out loud:
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME? WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO KEEP GOING THROUGH ALL THIS? ISN'T IT BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU FUCKED ME UP ONCE...TWICE..THREE TIMES? DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE FACING SOME TYPE OF FUCKING TEST? WHY IS IT THAT EVERYONE ELSE IN THIS WORLD GETS WHATEVER IT IS THAT THEY FUCKING WANT - BUT WHEN I GET IT - IT COMES AT A PRICE?
Then I realize how pathetic I sound. That I end up sounding like a whining, sniveling, piece of garbage. Then I realize that I just deserve all of this. Everything that comes my way.
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